Korean Marriage Customs: From Whispers Beneath the Pagoda to Vows Before the Geese

Exploring the epic history of love and marriage in ancient Korea and the monumental changes over time.

• Diverse courtship styles emphasizing personal feelings and strategy before Goryeo
• The strict, ritualistic marriage system reshaped by Neo-Confucian ideology in Joseon
• The impact and significance of past marriage views on contemporary Korean society

Imagine 8th-century Silla, where a Hwarang warrior and a woman exchange fluttering glances at a festival. Then leap forward to 18th-century Joseon, where a noblewoman confined to her quarters faces a future decided by a single paper bearing the name of a man she has never met. These two scenes encapsulate how dramatically Korean marriage customs have transformed throughout history.

This article explores how the transition from the pre-Goryeo era to Joseon was more than a dynastic change; it fundamentally redesigned the way relationships were formed in society. The state-led adoption of Neo-Confucianism replaced a world where women had agency, strategic courtship existed, and diverse family forms thrived, with a rigid patriarchal and ritualized order. Let us walk together through the traces of stories, customs, and laws that once beat at the heart of a nation.

Part 1: The Age of Passion and Strategy (Pre-Goryeo)

This chapter depicts a time when personal desire, political ambition, and social customs intertwined, making the path to marriage varied and dynamic.

The Politics Behind a Fateful Meeting: Kim Chunchu and Munhee

The story begins with the destined encounter between Kim Chunchu, later King Taejong Muyeol, and Munhee, sister of Kim Yushin. One day, while playing a game similar to soccer called ‘Chukguk (蹴鞠)’, Kim Yushin accidentally stepped on Kim Chunchu’s garment string, causing it to fall off. This was the opening act of a carefully planned scheme disguised as a mistake. Kim Yushin led the embarrassed Kim Chunchu to his home, offering to sew the string back.

At home, Kim Yushin first asked his eldest sister Bohee, who dismissed it as trivial. The stage then shifted to the second sister, the beautiful Munhee. As she carefully mended the string, a special feeling blossomed between the two young people, leading to a secret relationship in which Munhee became pregnant with Kim Chunchu’s child.

Kim Yushin’s political calculation was behind the fateful meeting of Kim Chunchu and Munhee.

Instead of anger, Kim Yushin turned this crisis into a political drama. He publicly declared he would burn the sister who dishonored the family and lit a bonfire in the yard. The thick smoke caught the attention of Queen Seondeok, who happened to be visiting Namsan. After hearing the full story, the queen sensed Kim Chunchu’s involvement and ordered, “Since it’s your doing, go save her.”

Kim Chunchu rushed to rescue Munhee and officially acknowledged their relationship by holding a wedding. This story is not just a scandal but a dramatic example of how love could be a tool for political ambition. For Kim Yushin, a descendant of the Gaya royal family striving to join Silla’s core power, the union of his sister with the royal heir Kim Chunchu was the ultimate family strategy. Thus, what appeared as ‘free love’ often concealed cold political calculation.

Social Spaces for Meetings: Pagoda Circumambulation

Even if Kim Chunchu and Munhee’s meeting was a calculated scheme, the social atmosphere allowed such encounters. Silla society was much freer regarding male-female interactions than Joseon. A prime example is the custom of ‘pagoda circumambulation’ (탑돌이). At large temples like Heungryunsa, young men and women circled the pagoda together, naturally socializing and forming bonds. The story of Kim Hyun and the tiger maiden in the “Samguk Yusa” also begins at such a pagoda circumambulation. This reflects an era when personal feelings and choices were socially accepted.

Love Crossing Borders Through a Song: Seodong and Princess Seonhwa

The romantic tale of Seodong, a commoner youth from Baekje, and Princess Seonhwa of Silla shows that love could transcend social status and borders. According to “Samguk Yusa,” Seodong, who made a living by digging and selling taro, devised a clever plan to marry the famed beauty, Princess Seonhwa, the third daughter of King Jinpyeong of Silla.

He secretly entered Silla’s capital Seorabeol, won the children’s favor by giving them taro, and spread a song he composed. The lyrics were shocking:

Princess Seonhwa (善花公主主隱) Secretly married (他密只嫁良置古) To Seodong (薯童房乙) At night she sneaks away with him (夜矣卯乙抱遣去如)

This nursery rhyme spread uncontrollably through children’s mouths and reached the palace. As rumors spiraled, the king exiled his beloved daughter far away.

On her exile journey, Seodong appeared, revealed himself as the song’s subject, and took her as his wife. Using the gold she brought, he gained popular support and later became King Mu of Baekje, the 30th monarch. This legend reveals the ancient belief in the power of song, or media, to shape public opinion and change reality.

However, a relic inscription found in 2009 at Mireuksa Temple in Iksan records that King Mu’s queen was the daughter of Sataek Jeokdeok, leaving the historicity of Princess Seonhwa debated.

A House for the Son-in-Law: The Beginning of Matrilocal Residence (Seokje)

The unique marriage custom of Goguryeo called ‘Seokje (壻屋制)’ is a key to understanding family structure and gender relations of the time.

First, the two families verbally agree to the marriage. On the wedding night, the groom arrives at the bride’s house, kneels outside the door, and asks to stay with her. If permitted, he begins married life in a small annex built behind the bride’s parents’ main house, called the ‘Seok’ (son-in-law’s house).

This matrilocal residence continues until their children grow up. During this time, the groom contributes labor as part of the bride’s family. Only after a long period could he return to his own family with his wife and children. The phrase ‘jangga ganda’ (going to the in-laws’ house) originates from this custom.

This matrilocal residence (남귀여가혼, 男歸女家婚) greatly influenced women’s status. Since women maintained ties with their natal family and lived under their protection after marriage, they enjoyed stable and strong positions within the household. This directly relates to the Goryeo era’s social background where women could be household heads, inherit property equally with sons, and oversee ancestral rites.

Part 2: The Age of Rules and Rituals (Joseon)

With Neo-Confucianism dominating society, love and marriage transformed from personal emotional expressions into strict, patriarchal systems maintaining social order.

Silence Beyond the Veil: A World Divided by Gender

The core principle defining male-female relations in Joseon was ‘Namnyeo Chilse Budongseok’ (男女七歲不同席), meaning “males and females over seven years old do not sit together.” Originating from the Confucian classic “Liji (礼记),” this was enforced as a fundamental social ritual.

Noblewomen in Joseon covered their faces with veils when going out to block contact with outside men.

This principle permeated daily life. Noblewomen had to cover their faces with veils or scarves when outside. Such strict gender segregation completely blocked the natural meeting possibilities that existed in earlier times. Love and marriage were separated: love became a dangerous emotion threatening social order, while marriage was redefined as a vital institution preserving family and societal hierarchy.

Gender segregation was a sophisticated political device to break with outdated Goryeo customs and establish a new Joseon order starting from the family unit. It went beyond moral purity, stripping individuals of spouse choice and entrusting the family head to act according to state-imposed hierarchy.

Marriages Bound by Documents and Fate: Matchmaking and Saju Cards

Joseon marriages began not with the couple’s meeting but with the busy steps of matchmakers and the cold calculations of elders. In the first stage called ‘Uihon (議婚),’ matchmakers carefully examined family background, customs, and wealth to find a suitable match.

When negotiations proceeded, the groom’s side sent a ‘Saju Danja (四柱單子),’ a card noting the groom’s birth date and time. This was crucial for checking the couple’s astrological compatibility and selecting an auspicious wedding date. Then followed a complex exchange of letters like Napchae-seo, Yeongil-jang, and Nappye-seo. These procedures, based on the Confucian ‘Six Rites (육례),’ show how marriages were completed without the bride and groom ever seeing each other.

Geese and Hapwhanju: Symbols of the Wedding Day

The Joseon wedding, or ‘Daerye (大禮),’ was the couple’s first official meeting and a ritual drama embodying Confucian values.

At the Jeonan Ceremony, the groom offers wooden geese to his mother-in-law, pledging lifelong harmony.

The wedding began with the ‘Jeonanrye (奠雁禮),’ where the groom presented a pair of wooden geese to his future mother-in-law. Geese, known to mate for life, symbolized a firm vow of lifelong harmony.

Next, the ‘Gyobaerye (交拜禮)’ involved the bride and groom bowing deeply to each other for the first time, and the ‘Hapgeunrye (合巹禮)’ symbolized unity by sharing wine from two halves of a gourd cup. These rituals were witnessed by the entire community, affirming the couple’s union and social duties.

A New Life Beyond the Threshold: Living with the Husband’s Family

For the bride, the wedding’s end marked the start of hardship. Upon embarking on the ‘Ugwi (于歸)’ journey to her husband’s home, she was separated from her family and fully integrated into a new world.

The first ceremony upon arrival was ‘Pyebaek (幣帛),’ where she bowed deeply to her in-laws and offered jujubes (for sons) and chestnuts (for daughters), symbolizing her primary duty to continue the family line.

What followed was the harsh reality of ‘Sijipsari’ (living with the in-laws). Legal and social mechanisms tightly constrained her life:

• ‘Chilgeojiak (七去之惡)’: Seven reasons a husband could unilaterally expel his wife (disobedience to in-laws, childlessness, adultery, jealousy, maliciousness, gossip, theft), granting immense power to the husband and in-laws.
• Widow Remarriage Ban: Laws forbidding widows from remarrying, requiring lifelong chastity and loyalty to the deceased husband’s family.

Within this oppressive structure, living with the in-laws was a training ground for political obedience to state ideology.

Part 3: Love Beyond Norms

Strict institutions could not control all human emotions. This section explores persistent forms of love inside and outside official marriage.

Love Beyond Adversity: The King’s Devotion and Forbidden Romances

A Bridge from the Past: King Gongmin and Princess Noguk

Just before Joseon’s founding, the love story of late Goryeo’s King Gongmin and his Yuan-born queen Noguk contrasts sharply with Joseon’s duty-centered marital relations. Though a political marriage, their relationship was a true partnership based on deep emotional connection and political trust. Queen Noguk actively supported her husband’s anti-Yuan reforms and was his strongest pillar.

Their love, though a cause of Goryeo’s fall, remains a testament to passionate devotion.

When Queen Noguk died in childbirth, King Gongmin lost all will to govern and devoted himself solely to mourning her. This poignant episode shows that passionate love could still exist within marriage, even in a changing era.

Joseon’s Exception: The Love Between Aristocrats and Gisaeng

Joseon’s strict gender segregation paradoxically gave rise to the unique figure of the ‘Gisaeng’ (female entertainers). Skilled in poetry, calligraphy, and painting, gisaeng were intellectual artists with whom aristocratic men could share the emotional and artistic intimacy denied in marriage.

The spiritual bond between Hwang Jini and Seo Gyeong-deok, and the tragic yet passionate love of gisaeng Hongrang and poet Choi Gyeong-chang reveal Joseon society’s duality. Marriage was a duty to family, while passion and romance were often sought outside marriage in relationships with gisaeng.

Could a similar duality exist in modern society? The tension between stable relationships and passionate love might be a shadow of Joseon’s legacy.

Comparison: Pre-Goryeo vs. Joseon Marriage Customs

Conclusion

The Korean marriage customs before Goryeo and during Joseon represent not just a passage of time but two distinct worlds shaped by differing dominant ideologies. This article reaffirms key points:

1. Freedom and Control: Pre-Goryeo society allowed relatively free meetings and recognized women’s agency, while Joseon strictly controlled personal emotions to maintain Neo-Confucian order.
2. Politics and Love: Love and marriage were never purely personal. In Silla, love was a tool for political ambition; in Joseon, it was an instrument to reinforce state ideology.
3. Linking Past and Present: The family-centered and Confucian mindset rooted in Joseon still casts a deep shadow on modern Korean views of marriage and family.

Studying this history, I find intriguing parallels: modern matchmaking agencies and dating apps play the role of ancient matchmakers, and social media echoes the function of the Seodong song. Though forms have changed, human desire to pursue love and form relationships remains constant.

What traces of the past do you find in today’s marriage and dating? Please share your thoughts in the comments!