The First Principle for Happiness: Lower Your Expectations

From a Billionaire Investor’s Paradoxical Advice to Six Techniques for Regaining the Helm of Happiness

Have you ever felt a sudden chill while scrolling through social media? Pictures of a friend’s glamorous European trip, a colleague’s promotion news, or a seemingly perfect weekend family outing of an acquaintance. As you scroll past these posts, you might find yourself sighing unconsciously: “Everyone else seems to be doing so well, but I feel left behind.” This subtle yet sharp anxiety is a familiar feeling for those living in modern society. Technological advances have delivered others’ lives right before our eyes in real time, resulting in the easiest era in human history to compare ourselves to others — an era of “expectation inflation.”

At this very point, an unexpected figure throws a provocative question about happiness. Charlie Munger, a 98-year-old billionaire investor who lived at the pinnacle of wealth and success, answered in his final interview when asked about the secret to a happy life: “The first principle for a happy life is to lower your expectations.” Isn’t that strange? Someone who seems to have had everything in the world advises not to aim higher or farther, but to lower expectations.

This article does not simply argue for or against this paradoxical statement. Instead, we will dissect this powerful sentence and embark on a long journey. Is lowering expectations truly a wise secret to achieving peace of mind, or is it a dangerous trap that makes us complacent? From the psychological mechanisms of disappointment to the invisible prisons of expectations hidden throughout our lives, and from ancient philosophers’ wisdom to modern psychological tools — by the end of this article, you will hold concrete “expectation management” techniques to regain control of your happiness.

The Psychology of Expectation and Disappointment: Why Do We Pre-book Unhappiness?

Did you know that our happiness and unhappiness are determined by a surprisingly simple formula? Consumer psychology includes the concept of “Expectation Disconfirmation Theory.” It sounds complicated, but the core is simple: our satisfaction is not determined solely by how good the experience itself was, but by how that experience compared to our “expectations.” Expressed as a formula:

Satisfaction = Actual Performance (Experience) − Expectation

Let’s look at some examples of how this formula works in everyday life:

• Example 1: Betrayal by an Instagram Foodie Spot
  You see a dazzling dessert photo on social media and visit the café with high expectations. The dessert in the photo was a perfect 10 out of 10. When you actually taste it, it’s objectively a decent 7. But instead of feeling satisfied, you feel disappointed thinking, “It’s not as good as the photo.” Actual experience (7) − expectation (10) = −3 dissatisfaction.
• Example 2: Rediscovering a Humble Local Eatery
  You randomly enter a small neighborhood restaurant with almost zero expectations. Surprisingly, the food tastes remarkably good. Objectively an 8, but since it far exceeded your low expectations, you feel a 10-level delight. Actual experience (8) − expectation (2) = +6 high satisfaction.
• Example 3: The “Innovative” New Smartphone
  A company heavily promotes a new product as “revolutionary performance that will change the world.” Consumers expect a completely different experience, but find only slight improvements. As a result, despite the product not being bad, negative reviews saying “below expectations” pour in, and buyers regret their purchase.

Our emotions are governed by the “gap” between reality and expectations. So the real question is: why have our expectations become so unrealistically high?

Charlie Munger said, “What moves the world is not greed but envy.” The philosopher Montesquieu, 275 years ago, made a similar observation: “If you want to be happy, that goal is easy to achieve. But we want to be happier than others. That is always difficult because we believe others are happier than they really are.”

Their insights hit the sore spot of modern society. Today’s social media acts as a massive amplifier of this emotion called “envy” on a global scale. We constantly watch “highlight reels” edited to show only the brightest moments of others’ lives. Their success and happiness are exaggerated, while pain and failure are hidden. We compare their edited outcomes to our raw reality and endlessly raise our own expectations. Ultimately, we participate in an unwinnable comparison game, pre-booking our own unhappiness.

The Invisible Prison: Expectations That Govern Our Lives

Expectations go beyond personal greed and create invisible prisons in every area of our lives. How do the implicit expectations imposed by relationships, workplaces, and society erode our happiness?

Relationships: Unspoken Contracts and Silent Resentments

One of the most common and painful tragedies in relationships is the pattern of “expecting alone and being disappointed alone.” One side assigns the other a specific role (e.g., believing they will always be on your side, expecting them to check in without you initiating) and forms an “implicit contract” without verbalizing it. The other party, unaware of this secret contract, unintentionally breaks those expectations while living their own life.

• Example: A Slowly Drifting Friendship
  A and B were once inseparable friends. A expected B to always prioritize and contact them first. But B became busy with a new job and relationship and couldn’t care for A as before. A felt hurt but instead of speaking up, concluded, “I’m the only one trying in this relationship,” and closed off emotionally. Without a big fight, their relationship withered away amid unspoken expectations and resentment. The real cause was not B’s indifference but A’s unilateral expectations about the “friend’s role.”

Workplace: “30% Work” with “50% Expectations”

Workplaces are battlefields full of unclear expectations. Many bosses assign tasks that make up about 30% of the workload but internally expect 50% initiative and results. The irony is that an employee who perfectly completes the assigned 30% is often labeled as “passive, only doing what’s asked.”

This environment leads to burnout and “quiet quitting.” No matter how hard employees try, they feel powerless to meet their boss’s ever-expanding implicit expectations. These expectations go beyond “doing the job well” to “reading the boss’s mind and doing more than expected.” This is a perfect formula for chronic stress and dissatisfaction.

Society: The Cruel Timetable Called “Ageism”

Korean society has particularly strong and oppressive social expectations. The timetable of “life appropriate for one’s age,” or “ageism,” silently pressures us to complete certain milestones (graduation, employment, marriage, home ownership, childbirth) by specific ages.

This pressure weighs differently by gender. Men bear the huge expectation of economic stability as family providers despite delayed social entry due to military service. Women face the dual pressures of building careers while racing against the “marriageable age” and “biological clock” for childbirth, risking career breaks. Deviating even slightly from this path invites both social prejudice and personal anxiety.

Literature: The Tragic Fall of The Great Gatsby

A literary archetype that encapsulates the dangers of expectations is “The Great Gatsby.” Gatsby’s immense wealth, lavish nightly parties, and even his name and existence were all built to fulfill a single grand expectation: to turn back time and reclaim his idealized love with Daisy.

His tragedy lies in loving not the real Daisy but the perfect fantasy he sculpted in his mind over five years. When the real Daisy failed to meet his rigid expectation (“Say you never loved Tom!”), his entire world collapsed instantly, leading to his lonely and tragic death. Gatsby’s life is the ultimate warning of how a single stubborn expectation can destroy a person’s entire life.

Lowering Expectations: Wise Surrender or Dangerous Trap?

Is the solution really just to “lower your expectations”? This seemingly simple advice contains both deep wisdom and dangerous pitfalls. Let’s explore both sides and find the subtle balance.

Reasons to Lower Expectations: Wisdom from Ancient Philosophers and a Billionaire

• Stoic Philosophy: The Dichotomy of Control
  Ancient Roman Stoics believed happiness lies in clearly distinguishing between what we can control and what we cannot. We can only control our judgments, attitudes, and reactions. External events, others’ opinions, health, wealth are beyond our control. Thus, expecting specific outcomes is foolish. The wise expect to do their best but leave results to fate, avoiding suffering. It’s like tending a garden: we can pull weeds and water (controllable), but cannot change weather or pests (uncontrollable).
• Cynic Freedom: The Story of Diogenes
  The most radical form of lowering expectations is found in Diogenes, who lived in a barrel. When Alexander the Great offered to grant any wish, Diogenes simply said, “Don’t block my sunlight.” This shows that complete freedom and satisfaction come not from gaining more, but from needing nothing. Diogenes’ happiness depended on no external conditions and thus could not be taken away.
• The Billionaire’s Paradox
  Returning to Charlie Munger, it is significant that the top predator of capitalism concluded that “low expectations” is key. This strongly proves that no matter how much wealth and fame one acquires, the holes dug by unrealistic expectations in the heart can never be filled.

The Pitfalls of Lowering Expectations: A Critical View

• The Engine of Growth: The Power of High Goals
  Setting challenging goals is fundamental for motivation, personal growth, and great achievements. If we only expect easy things, we will never surpass our limits or discover potential. If society collectively lowers expectations, it will stagnate. The key is that “high goals” and “rigid expectations about outcomes” are different.
• The Real Enemy: The Obsession with Recognition
  Here we encounter the article’s most important insight: the real problem is not “expectations” themselves but the craving for others’ approval — the “recognition obsession.” Japanese psychologist Hajime Ota explains the burden we feel with this formula:

Burden = (Perceived expectations from others − Self-efficacy) × Importance of the situation

This formula completely changes the problem-solving perspective. The solution is not just to lower expectations. We can manage burdens effectively by increasing self-efficacy (building ability and confidence) or lowering the importance of the task (diversifying life values instead of putting all eggs in one basket). This guides us beyond simple resignation to a sophisticated strategy managing our inner world multidimensionally.

The Art of Managing Expectations: 6 Ways to Regain the Helm of Happiness

Now we are almost at the final destination. Our goal is not to blindly lower expectations and fall into helplessness. It is to consciously “manage” expectations to be healthy, realistic, and flexible. Here are six concrete methods to become the operator who takes the wheel, not a passive passenger on the rollercoaster of hope and disappointment.

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset: Turn Evaluation into Feedback

Stanford professor Carol Dweck divides mindsets into “fixed” and “growth.” The difference is clear when expectations are frustrated.

• Fixed Mindset sees failure as a final “evaluation” of innate ability. “I’m just not talented.” This fear of failure makes one avoid challenges and see effort as pointless.
• Growth Mindset treats failure as useful “data” and “feedback.” “This method didn’t work. What can I learn to try differently?” Viewing failure as essential to growth builds resilience to pursue high goals without collapse.

The difference is clearer in the table below:

2. Fall in Love with the Process, Not the Outcome

Instead of betting all emotions on a big result, focus on the daily effort and improvement process. For example, obsessing over “losing 10kg” makes you fluctuate emotionally with the scale. But focusing on “walking 30 minutes daily” or “eating one healthy meal a day” brings daily satisfaction and achievement just by maintaining the process. This breaks down the emotional weight of big goals into manageable pieces.

3. Practice Strategic Indifference (Modern Stoicism)

Apply the Stoic dichotomy of control in real life. When you have a goal, draw two columns on paper. On the left, list “what I can control” (effort, attitude, response to failure, learning plans). On the right, list “what I cannot control” (final results, others’ opinions, market conditions, competitors’ actions). The rule: devote all emotional and physical energy only to the left column and consciously decide to be “indifferent” to the right column. This practice calms anxiety and creates immense psychological stability.

4. Cultivate a Grateful Heart Through Gratitude

Expectations often arise from focusing on “what I don’t have.” Gratitude is the conscious practice of focusing on “what I have now.”

• Practical Tip: 3-Minute Gratitude Journal
  Every night before sleep, write down three things you are grateful for with specific reasons. “I’m grateful for the warm coffee this morning. It gave me a quiet moment before a hectic day.” Research shows this simple habit rewires the brain to better notice positives, boosting happiness, health, and relationships.

5. Make the Implicit Explicit: Communicate Your Expectations

To avoid the relationship tragedies discussed earlier, have the courage to turn vague expectations into clear conversations.

• At Work: Instead of silently complaining about lack of support, request a meeting to clarify goals and roles. Ask directly, “What does ’exceeding expectations’ look like for you on this project?”
• In Relationships: Replace silent assumptions with honest communication. Instead of resenting a friend for not contacting first, say, “I feel we’ve grown distant lately, and it upsets me. Our friendship means a lot to me. Can we talk next week?”

6. Master the Moment with Mindfulness

When disappointment hits, we tend to get swept away by emotional storms. Mindfulness is the practice of calmly “observing” emotions without denying or suppressing them.

• Simple Exercise: Five-Finger Breathing
  Hold one hand open and slowly trace each finger with the opposite hand’s index finger. Inhale deeply while tracing up, exhale slowly while tracing down. Repeat for all five fingers. This simple bodily sensation brings you to the present moment, breaks negative thought cycles, and instantly reduces stress.

Conclusion: Happiness = Reality − Expectation (Completing Your Own Formula)

We began by understanding the psychological formula of disappointment, witnessed how it governs our lives, and journeyed through ancient wisdom and modern management techniques.

Recall Morgan Housel’s happiness equation: happiness consists of two elements — what you “have” (reality) and what you “expect” (expectation). We spend our lives desperately trying to increase what we have: better homes, higher salaries, better reputations. But this article showed us another powerful lever: the variable of what we expect. And this variable is more under our control than anything else.

The ultimate goal is not passive resignation or helpless surrender. It is becoming an active designer of your inner world. By choosing a growth mindset, focusing on the process, practicing gratitude, and communicating clearly, we do not simply lower expectations but wisely “tune” them with intention. No longer a fragile hostage to external outcomes, happiness becomes a fortress built solidly from within. Now, it’s time to complete your own formula for happiness.